Fighting back Emotions

I had never thought that a day shall come, when sitting silently in my chair, with a grave and sad face I shall be writing this. Currently I am in a state of emotional turmoil, trying hard to fight back myself, in fact, fighting back my emotions. It's been two years Since I had fallen for a girl, been there, had a bad time, returned back. Spending more than half of a year and seriously screwing all my exams, I had been down for a whole year. A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR! Maybe I would have been at a better institute today, or maybe I would have been a better guy. A guy with even a tiny bit of confidence and a pinch of aspiration. I am now afraid. What I had feared might have finally happened. I have been avoiding myself from this shitty thing called 'Love, Infatuation' or whatever and I had avoided myself from falling for any girl, kept on crushing my crushes, took the road that very few teenagers take. I kept myself deprived from emotions, or maybe a particular part of emotions. An indifference towards it, a not-giving-a-fuck way of living. Alas, you can't control yourself, nor can your small 18 year old brain. You are not Sherlock. But she isn't Irene Adler either.

Was it Hard? NO. Is it hard? YES. I am afraid that I have fallen on that mighty pit yet again. Such an alluring bitch that pit is. That pit called attraction. I am confused, I feel like getting high. I want more confusion, so that I can be over confused (more like Super Confused). So that I can divert my mind. I want to spend time to make something fruitful, I want to study, I want to code, I want to read novels, I want to use facebook, I want to finish up my practicals, I want to write my assignment, I want to watch a movie. Yet here I am, being an extravagant dumbass, a miser of love, an emotional fool just typing random shit. Maybe writing makes me happy, or maybe I just want to tell somebody but I just can't. So friends? Why are they called 'friends' if you can't share a damn little thing to them? Yes, that's why. Because for them it shall be a tiny puny thing, yet for me, even Empire State Building shall fall short when compared to it. Damn, I am going mad. I am going towards obsession. There are certain things you can't stop flowing within you, it's emotions, and of course blood. I don't really know why I am relating these two, apart from the reason that I want to. My mind is my court, yet I am not a judge anymore. There I sit, In that dark little corner as an audience tied to the chair, watching as I see my emotions getting punished as a convict.

So let's come to the part where let us assume that I have already fallen in love. Yes! Kindly fucking assume that I am in love. Assume that my heart almost skips a beat when I see her. When I go a little over paranoid seeing her talking with another guy. When each second turns into a minute if she doesn't attend a class.  When a week seems a day, a day as an hour, an hour as a minute, a minute as a second, and a second as the amount of time she thinks about me. Am I being sarcastic over myself? Yes I fucking am. I am tired. I am tired of being a uber nerd (that's what she called me while we chatted a while in Facebook, funnily though) I am tired of being a guy who is afraid to talk to her in front of others. AFRAID.. why? Prestige? Fuck prestige. Excitement? Fuck Excitement. Shy? Fuck Shyness. I just can't. I can't..

I don't know what she thinks of me. I am not sure of yet why should I give a damn. Assuming the fact that I like her ( that's a little indifferent than I love her), I guess I am assuming that I give a damn while trying hard not to. I don't want myself out of the boundary of my introvert self, yet there I am, making a bridge for her to enter into the tiny castle of my emotions, so that she can be the queen. Nuff said..

Do I talk to her? Yes. Credits to Mark FUCKING Zuckerberg. She is on Facebook too, so am I. A smile worth of a gazillion dollars sprang on my face when I saw that my friend request has been accepted. Another one of gazillion to the power of gazillion when she replied to my message. A simple 'hi' it was. Yet, for me it seemed like a -damn it I am not able to explain-. I guess, till now we have exchanged more than 3500 messages on Facebook, yet I am not able to talk to her. Nor even once, FUCKING once. Although due to some unfortunate circumstance, she had called me with my name once, and maybe that shall be forever. Maybe I am happy with it..

I want this story to start never. I want to stay away from her. Keep myself drowned on my Laptop. TV Shows, Movies, Coding, Studies. There are so many other things to do in Earth. I want to try If I can, but I am feeling like I just can't, so I won't try. Maybe I shouldn't, just because I couldn't or that forever I wouldn't. Oh thy shitty English. Thou a fucking asshole.

I guess I should sleep, or watch enough porn till I forget everything for a day or two. A day or two isn't enough. It simply isn't. Am I craving for her? NO. Am I dying for her? NO. Yet here I am. sitting like a duck, trying not to give a fuck.


#Too many fucks in the post. Yet there is none I am assuming that I am trying to give.

People say love is truth, love is lie. Love is fair, love is unfair. Love gives us happiness and love gives us pain. But believe me, I have never experienced any of these. I am still the same guy

The Unfulfilled Wish For Love...

In this long way of life, I was a lonely explorer and a devoid guy,

Deprived from the happiness and glory which I can never buy..

I always thought I was independent, self esteemed and complete,

but only after having a glimpse of you, I felt like a half solved puzzle, meaningless and incomplete.

You turned to be my sun in warm sunny days, moon in the cool night and rain in the rainy day,

You are the breath that I carry always and its you who turned the life colourful from gray..


Whenever I think of you, joy runs through my blood and my heart palpitates,

You made me the way I am feeling, that I never had..

Its only you occupying each space in my mind,

And its you, the glue which makes my soul and body bind..

I dont know if I can ever get the same affections,

But I will always treasure, adore, and nurture all the exequisite admirations..

Each moment is substituted by the thoughts and dreams of you,

And I can only hope for all of them to come true...

The First & Last Date

After the exams were over, he had a lot of spare time, and like every natural human being, he got into Facebook to pass time and there it started,the way to his first unexpected date...


Before 15 Days....

He: Hey!
(no reply...)

He: hello!
She : hi (after few minutes)
He: How are you?
She: I am fine, you?
He: Yeah, I am fine too :) (Seeing the moment tilting towards him, he starts flirting)
      What do you do?
She: I am a student
He: Cool, I am student too, BTW i read in DCE, you?
She: AIMS
He started thinking " wow she looked hot in her Facebook DP, and reads in AIMS too, must be an awesome girl!"
       With happiness in his mind he starts striking the keyboard , with regular introductory questions etc, and it continued for the next hour... 

Days after Days passed, and their friendship grew stronger, they kept on talking in Facebook for hours, and later exchanged their respective cellphone numbers too, and the day came atlast...

Like everyday, they were exchanging some undefined number of messages, and it was he who asked first...

He: hey, can i ask you a question? :)

She: Sure!

He: Do you have a boyfriend? Never Mind, just was asking like that.

She: Uhhmm, hhmm, no!

He : "Awesome! She dont have a boyfriend! Its my turn!" he replies with an 'Okay'.

She: Why what happened? :)

He: Nope! nothing..

And after around a few thirty messages the conversation stopped

After few days, he asked her whether she is free on Sunday and if they will meet at someplace, after getting a reply with the word 'yes' his happiness knew no bounds, at last a guy who never had a girlfriend, is going to try on somebody... And the girl, who never had a boyfriend was happy too, the days of being single for both of them were going to over...

 

The Curse

He was a 17year old boy,young, smart, elegant and handsome,He was one of the most funkiest and funniest boys on the whole school,who can make jokes of nearly anything and everything, whom even the teachers feared to ask questions,a boy who bunked infinite classes, but still whose name was never out of the Top 5 positions on the merit list. Yes, he was the boy who has seen more movies more than the number of classes he ever did,   He was one of the fearless and brave fellows who was never afraid of anything and was the boy, like whom every other boy ever dreamed to be. Every other guy on the school was jealous of him and every girl wanted to be his friend, yes! He was one of the rarest guys whom the god gifted huge talents. His name was jack....

The first day he joined the school, everybody was exclaimed, how genius a small boy can be, he was one of the 'everything-he-can-do' guys and the word impossible never existed on his dictionary. Though the teachers were quite angry of his habits, but nobody could ever say even a word against him. The doubts he asked always made the teachers to fall in the cobwebs of confusions. He could beat all the nerds on the class by reading a few hours only, and could write awesome poems and could draw realistic paintings...


1
-

Today he had bunked the classes yet again, but was unable to find a place to hide from the angry teachers, Jack searched everyplace on the school to hide his head, but nowhere he could find it. After whole ten minutes of struggle he ultimately reached a room. Aboard hanged above the door marking a word 'LIBRARY', and he entered it. It was quite empty one of the best places to hide. "How come i never got into this place?" He exclaimed with a small voice, trying not to seek the attention of the librarian and the other students present there. He opened up his cellphone, and saw the two words 'No Network' flashing on the screen. He started his i-pod but the red light started bleeping indicating the low battery. He was annoyed and bored, agony due to doing nothing was taking over his head.

Jack stood up, clapped the hands lightly to remove the dusts and started walking towards the oldest book stack at the end of the room. As he was observing the books, a glitter entered his eyes and he put his hands toward it. It was a huge black coloured book, around four kilograms with a huge golden key attached to it. It looked like more of a briefcase, a briefcase to carry enough stuff for two days. He started reading the title, but could not do it as it was written in some different language, there was no mark of writing at any other place of the cover. For the next few minutes he observed the book only at every angle possible.It looked like atleast a hundred years old,without any mark or a dot of dust. It looked like nobody had ever opened it or touched it and jack felt lucky as he was going to be the first one to do that. He took it and placed it carefully at his bag and started walking swiftly towards the exit door. The school time was already over.

At outside the weather was worse, the sky infected with dark patches of cloud and thunder deafening the ears. It made jack a little confused to see such a large change in weather, a weather that was full of bright sunshine in the morning. He started walking to the home alone, he could find nobody on the way. After walking for a bunch of minutes, he reached his home..

2
--
Jack was quite surprised after looking at the huge lock protecting the gates. There was no reason of nobody being at the home, he jumped off the walls and started climbing the pipes with his huge bag to reach to his room. Luckily the window was open and he entered through it. He kept the heavy bag on the floor and sat on the chair. There was no electricity and everything was dark as evening was about to end. He went downstairs,and got two candles and lit them up, the cold wind hustled through the large window. With nothing to do, he took the book outside and kept it on the tables near the candles. The key shone like real gold, the design of it was a  little odd too with a letter designed with small black marks. He inserted into the lock and rotated the key,a small sound came and he opened the first page, there was nothing beside a small logo. He went to the next page and it was written in pure english, he was able to understand it, that made him to keep reading it...

3
--

A small gift to you my Friend...

I came alone to the world alone crying out aloud, but you were the person that made me to laugh out loud,

The first day i entered the school being one of the most shy and quite boy, sitting on the corner of the class, sharpening the pencil to pass my time,
you were the one who came to me and forwarded your hand to be my friend and become one of the integral part and make my life rhyme...


It never mattered whatever time or season it maybe, you always stood there like a guard to help and protect me,

You are one of the angels sent from above,

to shower and bestow me with infinite love..

Because of you my friend, my life is complete always,
like the cold wind that blows in the snowy days...

You rejuvanate me, renew me, rescue me,
And i hope your beautiful heart will always keep on loving me...

You were the one who answered my oddest questions at the darkest of night,
and encouraged me to hold up, stand and fight!

Thanks for dedicating a small portion of your heart,
helping me to keep myself away from trouble, sprouting the seeds of joy and bursting the pains like bubble...

So my dear friend, on the eve of this 'Friendship Day', I pray to God to enhance your life on the bestest way,

May Your life will be filled by the most shiny gifts,

The way I am gifted,
By being your 'Friend!' <3

Only one day remaining more for exams, its going to hit me hard, yet again,leaving me to realize meaning of the phrase 'No pain, no gain'

But i lay there unaffected by the circumstances, knowing that whatever I can do is never going to lessen the pain,

After every exam that i gave
I always repented, promised myself nth times to study hard for the next one,

and the events lead me to study for none...

The time i spent in revolving around that beautiful girl's house at the end of the street, I wish i would had spent in studying physics and forget the shit...

T